Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
