My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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