i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
