I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
