i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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