Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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