im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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