I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Sober January is a disaster.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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