I cannot find my penis.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
