Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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