please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
