I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
