I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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