how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
