So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
