Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
