I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
