well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
