Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Couch. On fire.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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