Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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