the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
