you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
