I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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