No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
