Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
