yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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