I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You made out with two different species that night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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