Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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