I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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