update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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