Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
