I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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