hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
