There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
