why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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