I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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