I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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