yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
