OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
