wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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