the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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