my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
