I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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