You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
