So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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