You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
