I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
