Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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