my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
