since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
