The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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