I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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