You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
