Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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