Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
